I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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