Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
