I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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