My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize