i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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