I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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