I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This is my gift to your gina
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
