I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
sex in a hospital.. check
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
