Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
