Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
