we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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