I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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