I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
