So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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