I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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