I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
