I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
