My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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