I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
