Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
