Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
