I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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