i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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