i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
