from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
