so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
