$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
