So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
