the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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