I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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