Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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