Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
