Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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