Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
