i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
