Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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