just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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