im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
