I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Still dying that you shit outside
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
