my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You ruined the universe
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