Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
