It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
