In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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