Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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