after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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