Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
