dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
