The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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