i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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