it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
