oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize