please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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