this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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