kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
