Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
