I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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