Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
